1 ½ stars (out of four)
Transformers: Dark of the Moon is a colossal mess of a movie. As the third in the series, this much should come as no surprise. Each Transformers movie seeks to be the Biggest and Loudest Thing you have ever seen. This is their primary goal; narrative cohesion is secondary if it factors in at all. The second Transformers feature, Revenge of the Fallen, may still have the honor of being the Biggest and Loudest Thing, though Dark of the Moon sure does make a convincing case for the title.
Dark of the Moon is hardly the incomprehensible behemoth Revenge of the Fallen was but the plot still defies summarization. There are good robots called Autobots who work with the U.S. government on covert missions and there are bad robots called Decepticons. You can usually tell them apart because the Autobots are colorful and the Decepticons are steely gray and black, but there are times when even these simple distinguishing characteristics fail the vigilant viewer.
The two robo-factions were once at war for their mechanized home world of Cybertron and for a third time, they have brought their battle to Earth. The Decepticons’ plan gets awfully complicated and I respect anyone who can successfully navigate the many intricacies of this convoluted plot which essentially boils down to this: the Decepticons want to take over the world and the Autobots want to save humanity if possible. Although the same has happened twice before, I am again astonished by how thoroughly director Michael Bay and Dark of the Moon’s screenwriter Ehren Kruger can obscure such a simple premise.
As baffling as this nearly $200 million train wreck gets, one has to sit back and appreciate the hugeness of it. No one can spend a budget that big quite like Michael Bay does. There are scenes when Decepticons flip cars and smash the sidewalk with the purposelessness of drunken teenagers who will break anything and everything in sight just for the fun of it. The action is so pervasive, so gratuitous, what else can one do but succumb to the film’s hedonistic love of destruction?
But the Transformers movies just don’t know when to end. Like each of its predecessors, Dark of the Moon overstays its welcome with a running time of 157 minutes that will test the patience of even the most devout fans of Michael Bay’s brand of sensory bombardment. I enjoyed the movie’s defiant recklessness to a point, but the last leg of the movie drags on so long that it numbs us to the action. Like a prolonged finale in a summer fireworks display there comes a point when enough is enough and we check our watches, wondering how much longer it could possibly go on for.
There are humans in Dark of the Moon too; did I forget to mention them? Shia LaBeouf continues to carry the burden of playing the franchise’s only interesting character, the young protagonist Sam Witwicky. LeBeouf is comfortable in this sort of mammoth-sized entertainment and he is oddly convincing when he shouts out, “OPTIMUS!” from a skyscraper rooftop. Also returning are the one-dimensional super soldiers played by Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson, as well as John Turturro’s batty Agent Seymour Simmons. Apparently these guys are contractually obligated to show their faces whenever the Decepticons do.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, a Victoria’s Secret model, steps in for Megan Fox as Carly, the babe LaBeouf gets to alternately save and smooch. Her ability to look as calm and seductive as a Vogue cover model in the midst of Earth’s darkest hour is more impressive than any of Optimus Prime’s powers.
Making surprise appearances are John Malkovich as Witwicky’s eccentric new boss and Frances McDormand as the calculating, all-business National Intelligence Director. The largest contribution from this pair of Oscar-caliber actors, however, is their unexpected presence and once the initial shock of their being in the film wears off, they disappear into the sea of ultimately useless side characters. Patrick Dempsey plays Carly's deviously good-looking boss and talented comedic actors, Ken Jeong and Alan Tudyk, show up too but their comic relief mostly fails to do anything but add worthless scenes to an already long movie.
The first Transformers movie was fun because it never took itself too seriously. By comparison, Revenge of the Fallen was unbearably solemn even in its most absurd moments. Dark of the Moon has the opposite problem. If anything, the film doesn’t take itself seriously enough. Characters are prone to wild fits of screaming and flailing that are intended to be funny but just take the wind out of a scene. And while a part of me respects the audacity of including impersonations of no less than three Presidents (Kennedy, Nixon and Obama) plus a cameo from the real-life Buzz Aldrin, the gimmicks don’t add up to anything. The movie is a barrage of explosions occasionally interrupted by strange, fleeting gags.
Will you enjoy this film? That is hard to say. If you were entertained by either of the previous movies, this one should be equally satisfying. It is big, loud, dumb and utterly absurd, a formula that worked best the first time around. (For what it’s worth though, Dark of the Moon is not as ungodly terrible as the second film.)
The Transformers franchise continues to epitomize the twenty-first century blockbuster and in a weird way, I have to respect the films’ unflagging commitment to all things Big and Loud. Whether or not the movies are any good is beside the point. Transformers: Dark of the Moon is indeed the Biggest and Loudest Thing you’ll find in theatres this summer. Depending on your personal taste, let that statement serve as a recommendation or a warning.
- Steve Avigliano, 7/1/11
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