REVIEW: Battleship

Battleship (2012): Dir. Peter Berg. Written by: Jon Hoeber and Erich Hoeber. Based on the game "Battleship" by Hasbro. Starring: Taylor Kitsch, Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgård, Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker, Gregory D. Gadson and Hamish Linklater. Rated PG-13 (Aliens come down to Earth and make a lot of noise). Running time: 131 minutes.

0 stars (out of four)

After seeing Battleship, I left the theater shell-shocked and in that depressed malaise that only the very worst movies can bring out in me. This is the sort of movie that makes you question the way you live your life. Maybe I should donate more to charity? I should really call my parents more often. If the Mayans are right and the end of the world is coming this year, you only have a limited number of hours left. How do you accept the fact that more than two of those were just spent on Battleship? This is a question I do not have the answer to, as I am still grappling with it myself.

Battleship takes its name from the board game. As far as its entertainment value goes, the experience of watching the movie is roughly equivalent to the clean-up process of pulling out those little plastic pegs that always hurt your fingertips.

The opening text informs us that NASA has discovered a distant planet in the so-called Goldilocks Zone (a real term astronomers use). The planet’s orbit is just the right distance from its sun – not too hot, not too cold – and scientists suspect it may support life. So they launch a massive satellite that will transmit a message across untold light years in the hopes that contact will be made.

Well, that was a bad idea. Contact is made but it is they who contact us and their preferred method of communication is through obliterating explosions. Five mysterious objects come hurtling through our atmosphere and crash in the Pacific Ocean. There they float like colossal buoys in the water; they are ships, of course.

Lucky for us, there is an international naval exercise going on nearby. The American and Japanese navies are engaged in some friendly game that is never properly explained. At any rate, they are conveniently present to defend Earth, puny though their weapons may seem compared to those of the aliens.

For Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), this means a chance at redemption. He is a sloppy, irresponsible sailor and an embarrassment to his older brother (Alexander Skarsgård). After a fistfight with a fellow officer, Hopper’s naval career is at risk, which is particularly awkward since the man he answers to is Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson), the father of his girlfriend (Brooklyn Decker). Hopper was just about to ask the Admiral if he could have his daughter’s hand in marriage when his immature outburst causes the good Admiral to question the young man’s character. If only Hopper could prevent an alien invasion and prove his future father-in-law wrong…

There are other humans in the movie too. Mick (Gregory D. Gadson) is a hulking brute who lost his legs in battle and is just learning to use his new prosthetic limbs. Hamish Linklater plays Cal, the requisite brainy tech guy who spouts computer jargon at all the worst times. And in her debut film role, Rihanna (rather ridiculously cast a petty officer) takes a crack at acting and, by my count, she says all of her lines correctly.

But the Earthlings in Battleship are so hopelessly, pathetically ill-matched against the aliens’ weaponry, rooting for them seems beside the point. Once you get a good look at the alien ships (and director Peter Berg makes sure there are plenty of sudden, dramatic zoom-outs to emphasize their size), our flimsy heroes look especially small.

This is, after all, a summer special effects extravaganza and plausible characters are pretty far down on the list of priorities for this kind of movie. Unfortunately, the action sequences in Battleship feel like second-rate knock-offs of scenes from Michael Bay’s Transformers films and – if this is possible – they are even less coherent. I feel for all those poor computer animators whose hard work was haphazardly tossed together in this confused jumble. (Three different editors are credited on this film.)

Michael Bay at least has style and a vision; Battleship only has a budget it needs to spend. And watching the filmmakers spend that budget seems to be at least part of the appeal of movies like this. Battleship recklessly wastes so much money – on indistinguishable set pieces that just get demolished anyways, on large crowds of extras that appear onscreen for three seconds – I wonder if it might not have been more fun to have a pop-up ticker in the corner of the screen tallying the film’s expenses (more than $200 million).

Battleship goes on and on for a punishingly long 131 minutes, dragging its heels as though it were stalling for time. Peter Berg’s direction is utterly inert and the script by Jon and Erich Hoeber is almost shockingly lazy. All the while, Steve Jablonsky’s musical score beats you over the head, trying to convince you that you are watching something interesting and exciting. In the end though, Battleship turns out to be one big bellyflop.

- Steve Avigliano, 5/22/12

Revisiting Star Wars - Episode I: The Phantom Menace

With the 3D re-release of The Phantom Menace arriving in theaters Friday, I thought I would take a look back at the Star Wars films and reassess them. I have long been a fan of the series but never gave myself the opportunity to watch them from an unbiased perspective. Beginning today and continuing over the next five weeks I will do just that. I will review them not by comparing them to one another or ranking them, but by looking closely at each and discussing their strengths and shortcomings as standalone movies. I will include a brief wrap-up post following the Return of the Jedi review. (Note: The review below is not of the 3D re-release, which I have not yet seen, but was written after revisiting the film on DVD.)

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Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999): Written and directed by George Lucas. Starring: Liam Neeson, Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Jake Lloyd, Ian McDiarmid, Ahmed Best and Ray Park. Rated PG (Blasters, lightsabers, the usual). Running time: 133 minutes.

3 stars (out of four) 

The first Star Wars prequel was in an unenviable position in 1999. By some cultural fluke, George Lucas’s films about a galaxy far, far away had become an absolute phenomenon and two decades later, diehards and new fans alike prepared to sit in theaters and watch the first of three new movies in the series. No other film has had to endure these levels of anticipation, and the hype surrounding Episode I will surely never be replicated. The Phantom Menace was perhaps destined to disappoint many, thrill others and set box office records regardless.

Now that ample time has passed and the prequels have jelled into our collective cultural consciousness much as the original trilogy has, we may look at the film for what it really is. Forget comparing the movie to its predecessors. Throw away any preconceived notion of what it should have been. Taken on its own terms, Episode I is a flawed but undeniably entertaining movie boasting a lighthearted tone and a wonderful sense of invention.

We meet a young Obi-Wan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) as he nears the end of his Jedi knight training under Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson). The two have been sent to the planet Naboo to investigate a political squabble. The squabble soon turns into a full-scale invasion by the Trade Federation – a nefarious organization led by a pair of green, robed, noseless aliens – and Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan must protect Naboo’s leader, the young and beautiful Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman).

One thing leads to another and they are forced to stop on a familiar planet (familiar to us, not them): the desert world of Tatooine. There they meet a precocious, little, slave boy named Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd). There is something special about the boy, Qui-Gon says. Those familiar with the original trilogy know what Anakin’s future holds but for now he is simply a gifted child. So gifted, in fact, that Qui-Gon decides to buy him from his owner, Waddo (voiced by Andy Secombe), a winged creature with the schnoz of an anteater, and take the boy on as a second apprentice.

Buying the boy will not be so easy though, Waddo explains. Qui-Gon must win Anakin by betting on a podrace, a delightfully dirty (and very dangerous) sport where racers fly hovering vehicles through canyons and caves. Cheating and sabotaging other racers’ pods are not only allowed but apparently encouraged too.

George Lucas and his team of designers and computer animators let their imaginations run wild with this and every other scene in the film. At every turn, Episode I offers us some new, dazzling thing to look at and the sheer joy of taking it all in is intoxicating. I have not yet even mentioned Darth Maul (Ray Park), the silent, shadowy villain with red and black face paint and horns on his head who stalks our heroes. Or the majestic, underwater world of half-fish people who live in giant bubbles. Or the city so big it takes up an entire planet.

The Phantom Menace is a cheerful adventure that hops from one richly detailed world to another. Is the film’s tone sometimes childish? Sure, but that’s no problem since Mr. Lucas has elected to make a children’s film. One that has the ability to draw you into its playful world if you allow it to. (The much-despised Jar-Jar Binks (Ahmed Best), a resident of the aforementioned underwater world, is a grating presence, that much I will concede, but no less so than any other goofy, kids’ movie sidekick.)

If the movie is truly aimed at younglings, however, why is it bogged down with convoluted political exposition? The opening scroll refers to a tax dispute and trade blockades. There are senators and chancellors debating the galactic legality of the Trade Federation’s actions. Surely Mr. Lucas cannot expect children to follow these scenes, much less enjoy them. Can’t the bad guys just be bad guys for the heroes to defeat?

On top of this, the script is encumbered by clumsy, hackneyed dialogue. Mr. Lucas’s strength never was for writing dialogue but this lack was never as apparent in the original trilogy as it is here. The actors deliver their lines in bland, overly serious, faux-fancy talk, looking less animated than the ubiquitous CGI surrounding them.

In another film these issues would be damning. That the film is still a lot of fun in spite of these problems is a testament to the strength of its action. The finale, a sort of Star Wars Greatest Hits that intercuts a lightsaber fight, a space battle, a ground war and a stealthy break-in, is thrilling enough to make you forget all those dull scenes in the Senate and ends the film on a high note.

Is the movie as good as the old ones? Does it have to be? I am inclined to say that Episode I falls more in line with George Lucas’s original vision for Star Wars than perhaps some fans are willing to admit. His original inspiration came from the serialized space operas of pulp magazines and The Phantom Menace offers many of the same pleasures as those adventure stories: strange planets, heroic rescues, epic battles and more than a little cheese. The film might have benefited from trimming the politics and a few dialogue rewrites but these are not serious detriments because the plot is not what is on display here. This is a movie infatuated with its own bright, colorful, zippy self and, now more than ever, I am all too happy to succumb to its gleeful pleasures.

- Steve Avigliano, 2/9/12

You May Have Missed...

The following are three movies released this year that are no longer in theaters, but either will be on DVD soon or already are.

Ponyo - 3 stars (out of four)

An unusual and wonderful fantasy about a magical fish, Ponyo, who eventually becomes a little girl on land and befriends a kindergarten-aged boy named Sōsuke. Ponyo is much more of a children’s story than past Miyazaki films and so the film is imbued with a sense of innocence. Despite its relatively straightforward narrative, Ponyo’s animation has a strangeness to it that takes the film to a place of playful inventiveness uncommon in most children’s movies. The American voice-over actors are even pretty good, including Liam Neeson, Tina Fey and the youngest siblings of Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers (don’t worry: they’re cute enough as the kids’ voice and they only sing in the credits). Ponyo may not be the strongest film Miyazaki has made, but it’s a charming adventure and better than just about every animated film that doesn’t have the word “Pixar” attached to it. Ponyo is not yet available on DVD in the United States.

Adventureland - 3 ½ stars (out of four)

Greg Mottola’s follow-up to 2007’s Superbad isn’t as funny as its predecessor, but it’s not intended to be. Adventureland is more heartfelt and arguably the better film. That’s not to say Adventureland isn’t funny – Mottola’s autobiographical take on summer jobs, trashy amusement parks and young romance are all the funnier in their true-to-life honesty. The movie stars Jesse Eisenberg as James, essentially a matured version of the Michael Cera character, and Kristen Stewart as his romantic foil (I promise, she only makes the Twilight-mope face in a few scenes). Along with a number of great supporting roles, including SNL-ers Bill Hader and Kritsen Wiig, Adventureland pulls off a rare feat: it is an emotionally resonant and memorably hilarious movie. Adventureland is now available on DVD.

Angels and Demons - 1 ½ stars (out of four)

2006’s The DaVinci Code was everything the book was: hokey, full of plot holes and largely mindless in spite of its lofty ambitions as a thinking man’s action film. Angels and Demons is all that and more: a disastrous example of what happens when the talents in front of and behind the camera are only in it for the paycheck. Tom Hanks has gotten a haircut, but his performance is almost entirely camp. As director, Ron Howard does little to make the hackneyed script bearable, although the script does remove author Dan’s Brow’s final absurd twist (where the Pope is revealed to have a child). The movie would be tolerable if it weren’t for the film’s stubborn insistence of credibility. Its scientific storyline about anti-matter is as ridiculous as its attempts to provide historical and religious insight. I’d recommend it as unintentional entertainment if it weren’t an interminable 140 minutes long. But if someone puts together a good YouTube compilation like The Wicker Man, by all means, check it out. Angels and Demons will be available on DVD November 24.

- Steve Avigliano, 10/12/09